Author: imjustkristina

Every time I throw something plastic away -“I’m gonna fucking kill myself.”

-me every time I talk

I can’t help but ache a tad. Looking at Mufasa’s pictures reminds me of when Kovu was also that small. Mufasa was smaller I believe. Then I thought I cannot imagine what is going to happen when Kovu dies. Ouch.

But then I looked back at the pictures and I remember that Mufasa died. I lived through that. My turtle died right before that. I lived through that. I know life goes on, but the hole in my heart stings for the babies that didn’t make it by circumstances unknown to them. Kovu is different?

I will be there. I will see it happen. Ouch. I wish I had been there for him. For Mufasa. I was robbed of that. It’s all okay now but I don’t believe I ever let myself actually have any other thought than ‘I miss him’.

My thought this time was, I hope he wasn’t alone when he died. I hope someone was there with him, I hope they held him and didn’t treat him like a stranger. I hate that it was a stranger.

And it made me ball like a little baby.

Ouch.

Morning, can’t say if it’s good or not.

Maybe I can, I am alive so I can’t complain. Therefore, a good morning indeed.

This is the first time I’ve typed a post straight out.

I crave to tell my man everything, every move, decision, outcome, feeling. I have come to realize (not the first time) that it is just too much to put on one person.

Especially coming from someone like me. My brain is such a handful.

So here I am, talking to no one and to everyone.

My mornings go about the same, but I want that to change. I do enjoy slow mornings but things have been too slow for too long now.

I speak with my sisters about changing, getting better and back to ourselves.

It reminds me, it’s winter, everyone feels this way. The trees are bare, wind crisp, and the dead get all the flowers.

The sun is almost here though, everyone is hanging on to that little light.

Yesterday I felt alive,

thanks

sun.

Working out has made me feel more dead than alive lately.

I hope that changes. I wake every morning and don’t know where to start.

I can’t have plans, because plans don’t ever work out.

I can’t invite people because people always lie about what they want to do (like me).

No one wants to actually go climb a mountain to watch the sun-rise/set everyday with a melted cheese, ham and Doritos sandwich. White American Cheese of course, like my mom used to make when they took us on vacation. And the cheese melts during the day. The absolute best. I had a few of those sandwiches last summer at the river. Man those were good days. If only my best friend wasn’t an addict, they would have been even better.

The only friend that wants to do these things won’t. He has his reasons (I guess, excuses?) like the drive. But mostly it’s just fear or whatever. I don’t know, I’m not him.

Loser.

I like being alone. I appreciate doing certain things alone. But I want to share and experience all the cool things with people I love, with people that love the things, even with people that don’t. I don’t know, but then someone approaches me and if I don’t like them or don’t care I am so dismissive. Oops.

I am motivated, but the lack of people that want to do these things always puts me in a low mood. I grew up sharing a room with three other siblings. I grew up playing team sports. I don’t know how to do things completely alone. I am changing that, but it still lingers some sadness in my heart.

Now, I’ll go jog alone, then take Kovu to climb.

Have a good day, remember the sun is coming! -me to me – me to everyone

It’s like this every morning, I don’t know what to do.

I got suspended from work and it makes me want to die. Why do they make everything so annoying

It is getting colder, I think I need one more pair of socks. I have them. I tried to read. It made me realize I want to write.

To Myself

I realize I don’t know where to start. It’s been years. No actual reason. No ‘block’. Just a lot of lost…

Thoughts.

I believe for a while there was too many. And then there was nothing.

I’m not unsure of the story. Just not sure why I feel compelled to tell any of it in the first place. It’s just life. -sinking ship-“oh well.”

What can be achieved by unearthing the past?

Maybe it’s conceitedness

Maybe it’s love

Maybe it’s grief

Either way, it’s truth be told.

I think I’ll delete everything!

lmao:)

I love when people try to show me new places

But

I hate when they try to give me directions

Like grow up and pull up Google maps and show me where

So I think this will be my first blog post. I keep thinking of some grand way to start so I can show myself starting completely anew. But. There isn’t one so there is just this.

This page started as a “poetry” thing. I was a teenager, hence the emo-ness. Now I’m not a teenager but my thoughts can still be pretty emo LOL. (Please do not take the word emo seriously, I’m making fun of myself).

When I add all the pictures it makes me think of myspace which is so funny. (Because it’s my personal myspace) lol

So welcome friends, family and fans!;)

I hope you enjoy my life, try not to laugh too much. (I lied, I hope you laugh all the time)

There is only truth here.

I take too many pictures

I think too many thoughts

I adore myself

I adore everyone who has come and gone

I adore sharing.

I am an open book.

Mostly.;)

I lost my patience

again

today.

I hate that. I need more practice

I need more peace.

Good luck to me.

When I think of you (and many others in my life), love and guilt flood me. I wish to see more of you  and them. 

I have been feeling guilty for many years and even recently about not seeing my friends and family more/at all. Not being around more. Not “making the time” as people say, to see the people I love. 

Because if these are people I hold so dear, why do I not make the time to see them?

And the realization is that I don’t need to. My love doesn’t end just because we aren’t around each other. The connections I have with the people I love could never be severed. 

Phones make it so easy to communicate that sometimes it feels that it means it should be easier to always hangout and see each other. Which is just not true. 

I acknowledge that our presence here on earth is limited. But the connections and that love truly is forever.